Which Brings Us to Our Word of the Day....

CREDIBILITY

So much of what I'm talking about is tied up in credibility, that is, the human standard by which we determine who is elligible for ministry.

I have a friend who recently decided to go into ministry. He was an Art major in undergrad, partied like a rockstar. He was a Christian, but he had morality issues in the public university. In my talks with him over the past 2 years I've seen him change. He loves God. He feels like he needs to do more with his life and feels a real pulling need to serve the Lord in His Church.

He is now enrolled in seminary and started classes on Wednesday. He isn't familiar with Theological Vocabulary or the many various hypotheses on pre-millennialism or post-millennialism. He couldn't debate his way out of a hat regarding baptism, glossolia, and couldn't quote a lick of Hebrew to you. He is so refreshing to me.

He was sitting in his class , The Gospels and Acts (sidenote: I even had to explain to him what the word "narrative" meant), and he was doing his best to keep up with the terminology but all he could notice were a bunch of oddly dressed nerds who were so into what they were debating that he felt that there was no way that any one of them would be able to reach someone like him, an outsider. I asked him if there were any guys in the class who were gay for their professors (cuz we all know that there are dudes who would go there in Bible college). They would sit there and talk all hour and be just absolutely fascinated with every word. They would argue and laugh at people who opposed their views and flaunt their spiritual masturbation.

I told him to listen to the words. But read up. Don't just swallow (another gay thing) every word that comes from your professor and don't just eat it up. There are plenty of guys who are willing to do that. He felt that not one of these guys could relate to an artistic, post-modern, secularly educated, young, professional, who has lived in the world from the world and of the world.

He feels like an outsider. That he doesn't belong to this elitist group of theologians. I'm glad for that. I know how many hours I've wasted thinking I was part of some elite caste of theology students. He feels like he may not fit in, but he's actually excited about that. I told him to get the information, to study other things other than what is recommended to read. He's behind and has catching up to do but he has the freedom to think outside the box he is feeding from.

He has a dream to reach lost people. If he gets too caught up in trying to impress his professors and colleagues then his effectiveness will suffer. I told him to stay in touch with who he is and stay in touch with his friends who are not saved. When he is released into the world to make new disciples, this will give him some real.....

CREDIBILITY.

Expecting: the Worst Possible Defense Mechanism

You know what? I know that getting back into ministry isn't going to be the easiest road in the world to walk. It's amazing, Getting into it in the first place was a cinch. I needed almost no qualifications other than a GLCC degree (which we all are aware of the infinite value of). Needless (or needles?) to say, I never expected it to be easy. As if I were going to make an announcement and the doors would just fly open "WELCOME BACK, BRANDON!!"

I look at my life now, and I know for certain that I'm a much better qualified person to do the actual "job" than I was five years ago. But I understand the circumstances of my personal failures don't add up to the "without fault" category of church leadership in some circles.

My personal belief is that because of my shortcomings and failures and the work I have had to do and the healing God had to do I am more qualified than I ever was before and have experience to help others that not many ministers have.

I like what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1. Essentially he tells his followers in Corinth that he and his cohort have gone through all kinds of terrible things for the comfort of the church. I can give comfort because of the comfort I was given. It's great. I can point hurting people to the healing I experienced (and the healing I'm still in need of).

One thing through my whole experience is that I found that the church I was in (granted it was only a megachurch of 6000 members with over 500 staff members) really didnt have the resources to adequately "deal" with my problem. I was embarrassed, hurt, confused and I felt abandoned by my church friends. Now that I seem to be on an upswing emotionally, and on more solid ground, do my church friends and family try to approach me. I think negative hurt dark Brandon scared people. He scared me.

Anyway. Older. Wiser. and Way more interesting Brandon is here for good. Holla.

Dusting off the Blogshelves

Hey, I know it's been a while, but here I am. I found something to write about. I left off with a vague and bleak look at reality. My intent for the blog was to be completly honest whenever I wrote in it; to hold nothing back no matter how real it was in the moment I was writing it. I'm glad God can handle it. I appreciate most of the responses (except the spams). You will never get a church answer in this blog. "My life is great" (fake smile and out the door). I am just trying to encapsulate the reality of what's going on in my life.

With that in mind, I came across a few different thoughts recently that made me think. Maybe they will make you think. I think so.

First up. I just read a book by Robb Bell. Velvet Elvis. Ironically, the book had nothing to do with Elvis or the fine Mexican art of painting on black velvet canvasses.

It was about God, Bible, Jesus.

It was inspiring. I liked it because it wasnt canned. It was raw. It was exciting because it was controversial AND true.

The format catered to the Attention Deficient Gen Xers and unders. (it was easy and thoughts were broken up conversationally).

I just kept saying "yes, that's true" over and over.

It made me get up. Stretch a little. Think hard. It made me proud to be honest and say things like "innocence is the lie that...." you know the rest.

Part of the reason I wrote that was because it was such a quotable line. It didnt really get the reaction I was looking for. I'm still certain that lost innocence is enlightening. Wasn't knowledge of good and evil knowledge?

Innocence is rarely lost. It's usually given freely. There are horrifying circumstances where it is taken, for sure. That is the exception. I am becoming more keenly aware of the difference between innocence and ignorance. If you pretend not to know something it doesnt mean you are innocent. If you wonder if... well you know.

Innocence cannat be atttained if you have sinned. Its a weird duality. The ultimate reality is innocence, of course. It has to be. For that is how I am in Christ. However, I would be a fool to think that I have become innocent in my flesh and mind. I still need healing. Only a fool would think otherwise.

But, I have to admit, exploring my darkness really opened my eeyes to my own deeper darknesses. I'm a lot more forgiving, a lot less judgmental, and a thousand times more gracious and thankful for my salvation than I have ever been. Who knows? Maybe He's softening me up for something.

My divorce is final. I've been attending a megachurch for some time. A megachurch is a great place to be, especially if you need to be alone. And I needed to be alone.

But that time is over. I'm not tired anymore. I am called still (unfortunately for the church) to do something more eternally eventful with my life. My period in the desert is over. It's time for me to get off the bench and get back in the game (in whatever role the coach PLACES me).

So, peace out. I'll be back later.

This vague darkness...

I was going to make a post about all the movie remakes. I was going to vent about how frustrated I was with the lack of creativity in hollywood writing and the degeneration of the art form. But I read what I was writing and was completely disinterested.

What moves me? I liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I liked War of the worlds. I actually liked all the movie remakes (that I saw). Who has time to whine about movies? I don't.

I have to move. My roommate of one year is selling the house. I am homeless again. But I'll say this for the record: I will not--not for one minute--miss those filthy animals that contaminated that house.

The deck seems stacked against me. The losing hand keeps being dealt. Maybe I should stop thinking about life as chance. I should find the purpose of losing all the time. As if. Maybe I should smile more and be more cheerful so others around me feel better. Maybe I should give a rip.

You know those people who are so nice? They seem so sweet and innocent and cheerful. The darker side of me wants to slap them. Shake them up and show them some reality. At what cost? The illusion of innocence. Reality sucks. Innocence is the lie that keeps people from facing reality. We try to keep people innocent as long as possible so that they stay positive. Positivity is inspiring and hopeful. And people who are neck-deep in reality need innocent hope once in a while. So we keep the innocent around. They have their use.

The thing is, once innocence is lost it is never recovered. The danger is letting the darkness of reality darken you. If you can maintain your light with the full understanding of how dark things really are, then you've got something. But you'll never know how dark things are until you've been darkened a little yourself.

Thought Tendencies

My mind works, contrary to popular opinion, albeit in mysterious ways. I must confess that although blogging was getting a little tiresome for me it helped me sort through things going on in my head. The fact that these thoughts are displayed in a public forum should be intimidating and maybe it keeps me from beeing 100% forthright but it does keep me from bottling things up.

After I posted those comments a few weeks back I realized something. I liked it. So why haven't I blogged in so long? I wonder. I think it's because things have been going relatively well. Maybe my blog is too whiny when I read it because I used it mostly as an outlet for whining.

So to catch all 3 of my adoring readers up to speed. Here's what's going on in my life so far in OH Five.

The pistons lost game seven. This affected me. Reality check. It made me question the integrity of the NBA, television etc. My imagination runs wild. Every time one my teams went to the championship game they won. This was the first time one of my teams lost the final game. Not very often do my teams make it to the finals.

My friends, Brian and Betsy (you don't know them no matter how familiar their names are to you) are moving away from me. I went to Chicago for the weekend to see one of Betsy's art showings at a gallery there. That was great. I went with my roommate and my other friend Brian (not her boyfriend, Brian; another Brian. Black Brian). I will miss them. They mean a lot to me. But Betsy got a scholarship to attend a graduate art program in Kansas. What could she do? They have to go.

My friend and manager, Mika quit. My job is about to go through some major changes. I don't know what's going to happen. Work is in a state of upheaval. So I'm feeling a little occupationally unstable. I don't mind that people are looking for leadership from me while we are awaiting the new manager. It's the waiting that bothers me. Wondering if i will like him/her or if I should start looking for a new job.

My divorce is almost done. Whatever. Just imagine my eyes rolling in disgust. If you know me then you probably know what that looks like (reason in part for the divorce in the firstplace, likely). It's funny how cyclic things get. I won her heart rolling my eyes. I pissed her off rolling my eyes. The topic of the divorce makes me roll my eyes. It was bound to catch up with me, Dad always said.

The woman I'm currently "seeing" is from the Philippines. She lives with her grandmother here. So I've been attending functions and parties involving large numbers of Philippinos. I've learned a few words of Tagalog (Tah GAH lug) the language they speak. Its been wild. Eating Philippino food. Very good stuff. Never a dull moment. Its like munchkin land without all the candy. But the food is sooo goood. Lots of cultural differences to say the least.

I've been with my roommate for over a year now. Spiraling.

Collin is entering 3rd grade. Morgan 1st. I just bought Collin a guitar. Morgan's b'day is later this month. She will be 6. Time flies with kids.

I just got an email from Angie Ohlman. out of the blue. Cool. Hi Angie and Eric! I slept through another job interview today.

Here are the CD's that I bought this year.
American Idiot: Green Day
Make Believe: Weezer
Final Straw: Snow Patrol
Fly or Die: N.E.R.D.
Rockin the Suburbs: Ben Folds
Welcome Interstate Managers: Fountains of Wayne
The Joshua Tree: U2
The Unforgettable Fire: U2
Grace-The Legacy Edition: Jeff Buckley
Rattle & Hum: U2
Futures: Jimmy Eat World
Get Behind Me, Satan: The White Stripes
Logic Will Break Your Heart: The Stills
X&Y: Coldplay
Collide: Skillet
I am the Portuguese Blues: Starflyer 59.

I am happy with all of these purchases (some new some used).

Blogworthy

Well since I haven't blogged in quite some time, I've been waiting for that juicy topic to blog about before I entered anything. I have a worthy topic.

The House Church. Since most of the people who read my blog either attend a house church or know someone who does or has an opinion about it I thought I would write about my experience and review it for public record.

I have to admit, coming into it, I was very skeptical. In my mind, how could this thing survive, let alone flourish, how could something so apparently disorganized and unstructured have any hope of survival past tomorrow let alone be a viable means of evangelism in the 21st century?

All the questions I had in my mind about the lack of central leadership, the lack of a "real" worship service, the lack of a central meeting place, the lack of a 21st century business office with a secretary, vacation bible school, a massive stewardship campaign for outrageously priced land and a 12 piece orchestra with overhead projection and power-point lessons would come to the forefront.

I've heard remarks on these services from different sources. Regular attendees who swear by it and visitors who are intrigued yet skeptical. The most adamant opponents of this style of church are usually hard liners who fail to examine anything with any sort of objectivity, and by that I mean actually attend it and see what it's about.

Here's what I liked: The intimacy. People often compare what they do to a cell in a larger church. But I've been around a while and been involved in cell groups a very long time and have never seen the intimacy of a group like this. I'm not even going to go into the Biblical hullabaloo about what I saw there. I just liked it. I was jealous of the close-knit community. I could see how that would be good for my own life and it left me longing for it. I dont know of any other group that is so generous with it's posessions, with their homes or with finances anywhere. As different as I felt I was from them, I still felt really welcome.

Here's what I didn't like: (This is the part where I am being vulnerably honest and I will be sensitive but you may not like it but I'm going to say it). On top of all the great things about the comradery, fellowship, and community (which were superior) I still felt like there was a lack of direction to the whole thing. All my leadership experience and training, all my Steven Covey books and Willow Creek Leadership Summits cried out. BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. I like the fact that they take time to really comb the scriptures for their Bible studies, but the discussion really had no focus. If you are going to have a 6-12 week discussion on holiness, morality and entertainment, you should be building toward a conclusion that should have been reached in the facilitator's mind already. Each of the discussions should be pointing toward that conclusion that tha facilitator came to through their study (preparation). Being in that moment I could see how I could get really frustrated. It wouldnt be because of people not agreeing with me or with people not understanding my point, but it would be the tendency of violence toward expired steeds that was so overboard that P.E.T.A would file a lawsuit.

Now this problem is a location-specific problem (in my mind) that isnt true to all models of the house church. I think that this is what they expected and what they like about their experience. They want to make sure that everyone participates in the discussion and that no question goes unanswered. It's sort of like George Bush's educational program "No Child Left Behind". It may slow down the growth of your more advanced students, but it ensures that the little ones of the group not get dusted in the raucous and cacophony of the intellectual elitists that run so many of these types of groups.

It speaks to their maturity and patience that they can handle it. I admit my immaturity was immediately exploited. I was ready to pull out my hair a few times. But it was MY problem. And the mercy that they showed to their new students was, again, unprecedented.

I learned a lot from this experience. I asked Tom how he handles it. I know that coming from the same place that I did and being his friend for so long he would be able to relate. I asked him, "Tom, how can you handle/stomach the fact that everyone in your group is so patient and nice? Do you ever wonder how you fit into a group like that?" He basically told me that at first it was a problem, but eventually it started rubbing off on him. I have to admit that he has a point. This group has matured Tom in ways he probably hasn't even noticed. Again, I was jealous.

I am no longer skeptical. I can see the great work that this church is doing. I can see how a group like this could distinguish itself from a cell group in a formal church organization. I saw the lives being touched. I saw the community. I saw the faith.

I have heard the arguments about how a greater body and greater numbers can produce greater conversions. I cant think of a more efficient way of doing it than the way the house church does it though. I defy the large church to multiply at the rate this church does. I defy them to do it with the financial stewardship of the house church. I saw from my experience how building programs, massive staffs, and huge spending accounts have helped the church grow, but I've also seen how cumbersome and divisive they can be.

What I liked about the house church is the lack of overhead. Everyone contributes, but the money they use is amazingly efficient. They contribute to missions, evangelism, and areas that will impact their communities at a much higher rate than any paid ministry could ever hope to accomplish.

They are like the independent contractors doing sales versus the corporate monsters that the church is trying to create. In that fact, they are really more capitalist because they have eliminated so much of the beurocracy and overhead and can use their profits for a much greater return. That as opposed to the current church's tendency to overspend with little or no return. A Million dollar budget for a 10% growth? that's absurd for a church of 500. Not good stewardship in the long run.

I had a great time yesterday. Went to Brian and Betsy Timmer's house for a Mexican dinner. I corrected them. It was a fiesta. I thought it was a compliment.

We ate dinner, played with his cool new Les Paul guitar, and watched Anchorman. That is one cool movie. It takes place in San Diego which is a german word whose translation is lost, but scholars believe to mean "a whale's vagina".

I got a new cell phone with a new phone number. Email me if you want the number.

Guess what else.

Go on, guess!

Wrong!

Try again.

Nope! still not it.

WEll this is just boring. You dont even have one more guess? Ok. Fair enough. But I dont think im ready to come right out and say it yet. Post a reply if you want to write a creative guess as to what I'm about to say.

OUchy

You are a Toenail.(Taken from Ebaumsworld.com)Okay, maybe you're not THAT gross. But yes. You are a toenail. You usually get in the way of peoples' lives and are annoying at times, but people hang out with you because you are amusing. You enjoy acting retarded in front of large crowds of people. Many may call you a dork and a loser, but the truth is that you are very intelligent, and this will be proven in the near future. You are dependent on your friends, but you are not willing to conform into society's stereotypical mold. You may be called a loser, but at least you aren't a nobody. Even the opposite sex finds your uniqueness attractive. You stand out, and that's what makes you special. Even if people leave you hanging.Most compatible with: Hoe.
Copy/Paste this in your blog!(Ctrl + A = select all, Ctrl + C = copy, Ctrl + V = paste)

You are a Toenail. (Taken from Ebaumsworld.com) Okay, maybe you're not THAT gross. But yes. You are a toenail. You usually get in the way of peoples' lives and are annoying at times, but people hang out with you because you are amusing. You enjoy acting retarded in front of large crowds of people. Many may call you a dork and a loser, but the truth is that you are very intelligent, and this will be proven in the near future. You are dependent on your friends, but you are not willing to conform into society's stereotypical mold. You may be called a loser, but at least you aren't a nobody. Even the opposite sex finds your uniqueness attractive. You stand out, and that's what makes you special. Even if people leave you hanging. Most compatible with: Hoe. Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?

other people are toenails.
postamble();

Big In Oh Four

What a year!
Reflection at this level deserves at least a blog entry. Hopefully people read it. I am trying to remember the big events in my life in the last year. I am trying to remember because time has a way of ebbing the distinct truth and blurring it into perspective.

I remember starting the year at my little brother's house in Pontiac. It was a New Year's Eve Party. It had been a long December and there was reason to believe that maybe this year would be better than the last....or so the Counting Crows had led me to believe.

I had a lot to look forward to. I never realized how much I would see this year.
I never realized that in only four weeks I would see Janet Jackson's bejeweled nipple. Nothing can prepare you for that at halftime.

I never realized that I would move out on my own. I never realized that I hated dogs so much.

I never realized that being alone would be such a miserable experience for me.

I was taking drugs at the beginning of this year. Not hallucinagenic drugs, but I was taking Stratera, a time-released version of Ritalin. My thinking had never been clearer. But I also never realized that thinking so clearly would drive me crazy.

I never realized that once I was single that so many people would be interested in me. I never realized that having all of these people interested in me would be so meaningless.

I never thought that my Daughter's starting school would be such a huge event. I never thought about that.

I am glad that I finally got a cell phone. I am glad that I have been on a few dates.

I am glad for the diverse experiences I've had this year. I never realized that I would find a bar where I could get 48 ounces of GUINNESS for $1.50. I never realized I would complain when said bar would raise the price to $2.00 in the last week of the year that I would find myself complaining.

In the last year I developed a love for the art of Karaoke and Thai food. I have made so many new friends from new cultures and new experiences and backgrounds. It has been an exciting year.

I was hoping at the beginning of this year that I would miss Jason, my brother less. I was disappointed to discover myself missing him more.

I found myself enrolling in school, enrolling in sins, and enrolling in revival.

I found myself finally getting what the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning was about. I get it.

I found myself reading Fyodor Dostoyevski and discovering the dark abyss that is the human heart and what it is capable of commmitting at any point. I found myself reading and reading in fear.

I found that the New U2 Cd was inspiring, that I was not disappointed in Bono's spiritual rediscovery. I agree with him when he says, "Yahweh, Yahweh, always pain before a child is born...Yahweh, Yahweh, always dark before the dawn."

I sit now on New Year's Eve, ready to begin a new year with a new experience, with a new vitality.

I am excited. I am ready to move. I am ready to pick myself up off the floor. I am ready move like today never happened before. Seriously.

Call me. Write me. Page me. Brandon is ready to move. He wants this. Happy new year. May 2005 be a year of vitality, success, prosperity, life and change.

Used

Ok, So I have this roommate. I love her as a dear friend. She is funny, creative, intelligent, and insecure in a humorous way. We are good friends and we talk a lot etc. Her boyfriend and I are really close friends, so don't even get any wild ideas.

One of the things I like about her is that she is sympathetic to my beliefs, and sensitive to what people say about Christians. She went through a phase of her life where she was born again and looks back on her early days in Christianity with fondness. I do not know about what kind of role Christ plays in her life now, but I know she believes.

Last night her little sister came over. To set this up, she is always going on about how every guy who wants to meet her little sister wants to have sex with her. She was really insistent that if I saw her sister in person, that I would want to seducer her and sleep with her. I maintained that would be a wild challenge that I would be open to facing (please, if you take that the wrong way, I will laugh at you).

So the sister comes over. She looks remarkably like her sister (my roommate) only dolled up a little more to appear more attractive. However, the powers that be (male hormones specifically) did not deem it necessary for me to be attracted to this girl. Her friend, however.... blog topic for another day.

The younger sister that I was supposed to be attracted to was telling a story about her 2 brothers, whom we will call brother A and brother B. Brother A had recently been given a Bible and was reading it. He was looking for God. In some of his reading, he found something waking up inside him. He confronted brother B while brother B was high on marijuana and told him that what he was doing was wrong. Brother B, in his state, found that to be hillarious.

Little sister thought that it was so funny that her older brother A had become "A Bible Freak". My roommate hates when people talk negatively about people's religious beliefs. To try to shuth her sister up and quiet her rampage against "Bible Freaks" she points to me and says, "Hold on, he's a Bible freak."

I was really conflicted on how to feel about that response, and how I should have responded. My roommate I know was not trying to insult me. She was trying to shame her sister about using that kind of terminology about her brother and in front of me.

I waved, fake smile in full force.

I felt used or violated for her doing that without my permission. I know she meant no malice. It just was weird. "Hi, I'm Brandon, your sister's Bible freak roommate."

I was never comfortable with the word "freak". When DC talk created all that hype about being a Jesus Freak, I didn't get on that bandwagon. I always figured that if I was going to be a freak, that would be my option. You don't have to be freakishly weird to love God. I still maintain that.

I also couldn't tell which bothered me more. Being called a freak by my friend or being called a freak in such a negative way in front of her attractive friend. Now the little sister was obnoxious, self-centered, and loud. Her friend was cute, and mild-mannered. A little more mature and wiser. Being called a freak in front of her obviously had negative results in any sort of impression I was trying to make.

Am I ashamed of the Gospel? No. Am I ashamed of the word, "freak"? Yes.

Later, my roommate apologized for using me to shut her sister up. I accepted her apology. Life goes on. It was just an interesting experience. I'm sure if I examine this closer, I will find other factors that made me respond the way I did.

I know it's cool in Christian circles to be insulted for Jesus. Its a badge of honor. But in this case, I don't think of myself as a martyr for Jesus. I think I was used as a tool to shut someone up who was bothering my rooommate. Martyrdom is for real persecution.

I like my Bible. I like Jesus. But this experience made me realize a lot about what Christians celebrate as persecution. Most of what we experience is not real persecution. It's just ignorance. It's not like people are taking our homes, killing our families and feeding us to lions. It's not like we are being Crucified with Christ. We don't have to go out of our way to piss off the world.

If we are proclaiming Christ with love real persecution will visit our doorsteps. We dont have to be obnoxious, snotty, or pedantic in our approach to the world. We can be polite. We can be civil. We can be courteous and reasonable. It's ok.

Often we are so afraid of rejection and humiliation that we present ourselves defensively, with bravado, and boldness where gentleness and civility would be more appropriate. When that bravado and offensiveness is rejected, we say they are rejecting Christ, when really, they are rejecting our hypocritical methods of presenting Christ.

That's all I'm getting at.

Brandon

Afficianado

I guess that the word is out. I am not that good at many things, but I do like to listen to a wide variety of music. Wider than most, but not so wide as to ever include Country. Ever. My neck is red enough without adding that ignorant artless crap to my forte. Am I speaking plainly enough?

For Switchfoot fans, I just saw a box CD at FYE of their first three albums for $24. Which means you can get it cheaper than that if you are keen.

Speaking of keen, I think my next purchase will be Keane. I enjoy their sadness. I am totally addicted to "One Click Shopping" on Amazon.com. I keep buying used CD's at ridiculously low prices and paying astronomical shipping for these products. I'm still making out like a bandit.

A true friend would want to buy me the new U2 signature iPod.

Am I the only one who's ever heard the Japanese version of Sixpence Nonethericher's "Kiss Me"? Talk about surreal and creepy.

Leigh Nash is cool, but not when she sings Japanese. It's so weird.

I bought the new Skillet CD. Its good. Its not life-changing good, but it's good. Its not really inspiring, but it's good. They sound like what Linkin Park would sound like if they didn't rap. Sort of. I don't know. Its solid hard rock, passionate, just not connecting with me deeply.

I got the new Jimmy Eat World CD. It is amazing. Right where I am. I preordered U2 and reordered The Joshua Tree (again on Amazon). I can't play my copy anymore so I needed a new one.

Since I can't find my Bible I went out and spent $30 on a new one. It is the first time in years that I've had a Bible without study notes. I am so happy. It's like I'm free of other people's opinions about what I'm reading. I can read it and just enjoy it. I don't have to listen to some half-rate Bible scholar's opinion about TULIP or eternal security or speaking in tongues or whatever. Clear the noise.

I saw Jimmy Eat World on Letterman the other night. They are so cool.

U2 will be On Saturday Night Live This weekend singing songs from the new Album. Needless to say, I'm excited. They are always good on SNL.

I got to hear Jay Z's black album. It was good. I got to hear it on the Gray album. Jay Zs vocals played over the Beatle's White Album. Another surreal moment. My friend, Betsy says that there is a Black and Blue album too. Where Jay Z's pirated vocals are played over pirated songs from Weezer's blue album. I guess that's what Jay Z gets for putting out an a capella rap album. Loser.

The New Pornographers are really growing on me. I keep hearing their songs on LAUNCH. They have guy songs and chick songs. And they harmonize. Yay! Still no porno. (keeps fingers crossed).

Talk to you guys later

Brandon

Gone

"My High School Dreams are Gone,
My Childhood Sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesnt last for long"

So if life is short, then why do I spend so much time bored out of my skull?

I take full responsibility for the things I don't blame others for. Yogi, you have my permission to steal that one.

Tom told me that if I spaced my words out, he'd have less of a difficult time reading them.

Switchfoot says everything is gone, or will be. I agree.

For so long I've compartmentalized my life. Spirituality for my spiritual life. Humor for the funny life. Great Lakes Friends. Work Friends. Jesus friends. Satan friends. Family. Enemies.

I realize now that I really don't have time to manage the separation. I hear this song and I reflect on what's gone and what isn't.

My high school dreams are gone. I get it.
My college dreams are gone.
My family dreams are gone.
My career dreams are gone.

Then I realized. Dreams aren't real. So what if they are gone?

What I've really lost are some close friends, my wife, my connection to anything.

Humility in small doses would be a welcome lesson. The Lord has really been generous in his doses of this magnificent reality. I've eaten my hero's portion of humility.

Why do I always feel like I'm one random thought away from depression?

I just want some safety. I should put together a resume. Like a friendship/relationship resume. What would that look like? Definitely an interesting topic. Maybe for a later blog. Skills, experience, education, job description. All that sort of thing.

Maybe I should post a job on monster.com. WANTED: a reliable, trustworthy friend within 20 miles of Detroit. Doesn't pay well, but the benefits are incredible!!!!

Just a thought.

Just In Time

I think I'm ready. Just when I think I'm ready, I have an epiphany. When I have an epiphany, i freak out. I'm not ready. Then I realize, I can't ever really be ready. I just need to do it.

I watched the movie, Adaptation yesterday. How amazing! I learned so much about life and myself from this movie. Watch it.

The character, Charlie Kauffman, has so many things in common with me it's scary. Mostly the things that keeps him from being happy and enjoying his life. His twin brother, Don is the character I wish that I was. I could see both sides of myself in these two characters.

Charlie was insecure, never sure of himself, always second-guessing, making sure his appearance was acceptable and good. He was always afraid of what people thought about him. Donald was a goof-ball, happy-go lucky sort who always had a smile and success came easily to him because he was so likable, even if people were laughing at him and not with him.

One thing Donald said was amazing though. He said that he was who he was because of who he loved, not because of who loved him. He owned his love. He didn't wait for people to love him first in order to love them. WOW! To a self-absorbed egomaniac like me, those words have a clanging power to them.

I can see how many friendships I've lost, how many interesting things I've passed, How many great experiences and opportunities I've missed because I was waiting for something like that to happen, instead of making it happen.

Charlie wondered why Donald would put himself out there so much. Didn't he fear looking stupid? What if people rejected him? Then what? Donald just said that those people had no right to take his love away from him. It was his to give. You see, its these things that so many people take for granted about love that Brandon tends to overlook.

I find myself in both characters. Some days I'm Charlie. Some days I'm Donald. I like myself more as Donald, but the cynical Brandon/Charlie is the dominant character.

Being elitist and intellectually superior has its moments, to be sure. There is definitely something satisfying in thinking that I'm better than other people. It's always come easy to me. But, On the other hand, my biggest fear is people thinking that I'm stupid. That is so paralyzing. It's lonely and being enigmatic is a cover for fear of being criticized.

It was amazing how cool this movie was. I liked it more than Being John Malkovich (I really liked that one too).

1001 Random Thoughts About Music Mostly

Oh, hi there neighbor. George Bush is our president for four more years. I hope that will put an end to the question of "Who do you think I will blame all my problems on for the next four years?"

Has anyone besides me pre-ordered their new U2 cd's? They had a really good deal on it at VH1.com or whatever.
It's called How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb.

This I can put on the list of CD's I no longer need to purchase.

I can't really give you a review yet. I have not heard it. I guess you can say I put my faith in the U2 product enough to order it ahead of time. My Bible is Missing. AWOL.

Ironically, I was just listening to a band called the New Pornographers. You'll be relived to know that the song I'm listening to has no pornography whatsoever. I think it is their idea of a clever band name. The band is actually quite talented. If I was going to start a secular band I think I would have an excellent name for it.

The Barely Legal Teens. Or you could call it BLT for short. YOu would always find the records right next to the Barenaked Ladies. You may notice that the 2 band names have something in common: the word "bare" as a root word and the implication of something sexually perverse. Pure marketing savvy. For the kinky crowd, BLT sandwiches might also have that connotation. I am praying for you.

There was a point in time when saying that you were a fan of Belle and Sebastian (the band, not the half-rate anime cartoon from the 80s) was somewhat avante garde. I am declaring that time to be at an end. Move on.

Yesterday, my roommate was really annoying me. Imagine this scenario. We are both sitting on opposite couches and she has the remote as we face the television. She flips rapidly through the channels but waiting long enough to see what is on the screen.

If it was a basketball player, she would say something like "No yellow jerseys". next channel. "No kids with glasses" Next channel "No wet dogs" next channel "no jewish women" next channel "No green cars" and she flipped through the channels pretty rapidly. I even chimed in on a couple because the game was cute for a minute.

But she kept going. "No men with guns" next " No men with red ties" next "no italians" next "no white computers" next "no salesmen with jewels" next "no scrolling letters" next etc etc. The went on for like 10 solid minutes. How? I think she took some improvisation classes in college. She's pretty handy with the free association.

Living with my roommate is really cool. She is messy. She is annoying. But, beneath all that, she's absolutely hillarious.

Finally Her boyfriend pulled an intervention. He stole the remote and put it back on the Pistons Game. Good man.

Does anyone besides me like the Sneaker Pimps? I mean, beyond the name. The name is just cool enough to be likable. But the band is actually quite interesting.

I also like the Fountains of Wayne. what a cool name.

I apologize in retrospect for how random this blog is.

I think I would like Enya more if I had someone to be bored out of my mind with. But alone, its just a soundtrack to a depression.

Am I the only One that thinks Switchfoot's first CD was still their best one? If Shannon actually read this blog, I think he would agree with me. For those who are interested, it is calld The Legend of Chin. Cool name

I think I like My Chemical Romance. It's gonna take a few more listens for the jury to come in.

I'm gonna give more respect to Sunny Day Real Estate. They are a band from "my era" but I never paid any attention to them til recently.

When Rolling Stone said their 1995 self-titled CD was one of the most influential CD's of all time (other than anything recorded by Elvis, Hendrix, Dylan, Beatles, Stones, Zeppelin, or Nirvana) I had to give it a listen. They claimed that SDR were the forefathers of modern EMO and Screamo. I think I have to agree. You can totally hear where The Used, Finch, Thursday, TAking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessional get their whiny vocals with cool guitars from.

Bjork is cool, but weird.

Third Eye Blind asked us "How's it Gonna Be?" I think we all know the answer at this point. Crappy.

Me First & The Gimme Gimmes covered the song Prince wrote for Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares To You" but they did it with ska. Can I safely say that the whole ska thing has been played out?

The Insyderz covered the Cars Song "Just What I needed". That was actually kinda cool. YOu know why it was kinda cool? Because it didnt really sound like the Insyderz.

Would you laugh if I said I actually liked Brandy's new CD? Ok not enough to buy it, but I do like it.

If you like your music dark and peaceful, I recommend Interpol. Sigur Ros, The STills, Keane, and MOrcheeba.

If you like just cool. Then TRy Sloan, The Beta Band, The Tragically Hip, The Vines, Weezer or a thousand others. Like the New Pornographers.

I think honestly that Chevelle, even though they started out on a Christian Label, and you can still buy their cds at Christian Bookstores, are still a really cool band. The nicely replaced my need to listen to Tool. They are like a slightly less messed up version of Tool. But they have very similar themes and fits of rage.

Someone told me that they dont like the Hoobastank CD. The same person said they dont like the new Jimmy Eat World. I myself am not a huge fan of Hoobastank or the band they try to imitate, Incubus. I am disappointed to hear about the lack of love for JEW. Now I'm hesitant to buy this CD. Can we say file sharing?

I think the STereophonics are so cliche. Wilco is interesting again.

I wish I could get a job declaring what is cool and what isn't. I'd be pretty good at it.

Pros and Cons of the Single Life

PROS.

1. You can do the dishes whenever you want, not when your spouse wants you to. This also goes for taking out the trash, doing the laundry, and changing lightbulbs.
2. No more fighting over the remote control. You watch what you want on TV when you want to. This also goes for internet time, bathroom reading, radio stations, CD selection and video rentals.
3. The fact that you get to drive everywhere and not be bothered by your spouse's apparent ineptitude behind the wheel.
4. I am always on time.
5. Sleep is more natural without icy feet touching you somehow. And I can choose the side of the bed I desire to sleep on, and sleep there
6. You no longer have to go to the store 100 times a day. You can actually make your list and THEN go. And not have to go back 99 more times. If you remember that you need something else that you forgot, you can go tomorrow, without guilt.
7. You can get up an hour before work, shower, eat breakfast, drink coffee and drive to work without talking to anybody, the natural way any human male was meant to get up in the morning.
8. You can come home from work, take off your shoes, eat your dinner, and read the newspaper without having to answer 100 questions about what you are going to do for the evening, the weekend, the month, and without having to listen to anyone else tell you the answers to those questions (because you dont really have a choice anyway).
9. If you are annoyed with certain members of the opposite sex, you dont have to call them. you can stop seeing them. You can opt out. You can find someone else. You have that option. Everything is optional.

CONS

1. You actually have to do the dishes, clean your house, change your TP and do your laundry. YOURSELF.
2. Most of the time, your only company is the television you are controlling, or the book you are reading.
3. You can't drive too far for fear of falling asleep at the wheel.
4. Being on time isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
5. Instead of parts of my leg being cold from feet, now the whole bed is cold.
6. You have to remember to buy things that you need. The things you used to buy for gratification don't actually nourish you. Now you have to remember nutrition classes from middle school to remember what you need to buy at the grocery store.
7. There is something to be said for an annoying nagging voice in the morning to get you out of bed.
8. Making your own decisions isn't all it's cracked up to be.
9. Everything is optional. Nothing is definite.

Americans Mysticism and Music

I am a music lover. I love music more than many of my friends. For example, If I had to choose between keeping some friends over my U2 collection, the U2 collection would win.

Why do I and many others love music so much? I feel a connection that I don't get from everyday people. I feel something. It moves my heart. It connects on some primative emotional level. I hear the words sung in a certain way and I feel in that moment that the songwriter or singer understood me for a second. And for me, that is rare--to be understood.

So I love it. The feeling of being understood and connected is vital. It helps me go through hard times. It helps me feel like I am not alone in feeling the way that I do. I am always impressed by the amazing efforts to keep time and harmony so efficiently as musicians do. The more complicated the effort, the more amazing. The simple purity also reaches me in places I haven't explored.

Churches have played on this for as long as I can remember. If you sing long enough and emotionally enough, it seems, the presence of the Holy Spirit will come into a room full of people who are worked up into an emotional frenzy. A church that doesnt work its people out this way s considered to be spiritually dead because people can't feel the presence of God working. We all know what a reliable litmus feelings are!

We get going and we jam and we dance and clap and raise our hands, hoping for a prayer that God will connect with us somewhere and give us our emotional orgasm. Pick us up. Get us High on Jesus for a few minutes. Give us our fix for a week or so.

Don't get me wrong. Jesus is way cool. The Holy Spirit is a spirit, and that is so cool. But God does not serve us. He is not our pusher our dealer or pharmacist. He isnt our pimp. Church is not a way for us to legitimize getting off. Nothing wrong with getting off, but lets remember what getting off is for--marriage, not church.

Music is great. Its one of my favorite things in the world. But just as mistaken are the people that believe that demons inhabit the music of the world, the Holy Spirit isnt compelled to arrive at the beat of a righteous musician. There is no spiritual power in music. None. It is simple repetition and melody that the human brain and heartbeats identify with. It stimulates the brain to create a mood. It connects with your physical and chemical composition to help aid you in your meditation. But spirits are not controlled by musical beats or notes. Good or Bad.

Whether you felt it or not, whether you knew it or not, whether you got off or not, or whether it felt dead or not, the Spirit of God is always with you. Even in a room full of Satan-worshippers beating their chests and cutting themselves, the Spirit of God is there (e.g. Elijah, Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego).

That is why you can never ever tell me that there is such a thing as a dead church. Just churches with different ways of expressing life, mistaken or correct. But death is up to God.

I've been wanting to write but I have been having a hard time being honest, so I just haven't posted. The intent for this blog was to be honest. I have been trying not to cheat the readers. So I have the nerve to talk about what I've been meaning to talk about today.

Today's subject: Broken Heart.

I've been really down the last couple of weeks or so. I've been missing the nice parts of being married and in a relationship with a woman. I miss sex. I miss comfort and friendship. I miss it all because I keep reminding myself of how great it was. I miss Jodi a lot, but that's not the point of this blog.

I miss my friend. Since Jodi and I split up I had started a passive dating relationship with another woman. It went on and off for a few months. It was never serious. It was just a great friendship that filled the void I had for a while. In retrospect, I guess if I were to label it, it would be the REBOUND.

I knew the whole time that it was doomed. But I wanted something so bad and desperately (and no it wasn't about sex) that I just let it happen. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. I told myself to not get involved. Not to feel. Not to experience that pain again. It was too soon.

I couldnt help myself. I could seriously just have been friends with this woman. She is still my friend, but not the way I had intended. So I'm a little disappointed.

As I said it was passive, and not too serious. She was seeing other people and I was intending to, but it never happened. I got attached. Now that I think about it, I was more attached to the idea of her than her. There were many exciting aspects to being this woman's friend. She was smart, beautiful, funny, and so different from anyone I had ever dated before. We got noticed wherever we went. People always stared and pointed. It was shocking. The whole interracial thing was something new and novel. But in the end, she chose another man over me.

Not a hard thing to do. I mean, come on! Look at Me! So I am determined to chill out for a while. Get by with a little help with my friends. (are you out there?)

I promise, lighter subjects are gonna follow. I am thinking of starting a new blog reviewing music. Not to end this one but a separate entity altogether. let me know what you think.

Animal Cruelty

Just so you all know, I am doing fine. I currently live with my friend's girlfriend. It sounds weirder than it is. She is a close friend, like a sister, and is seriously in no danger of me lusting after her, just not my type...at all.

The arrangement works out great. I am the big guy that keeps her weird neighbors and old weird friends from bothering her. I give her a low rent and everyone is happy. Except me. It isn't her so much as it is her dirtiness. Anyone who knows me has to know that for me to say anything about cleanliness requires an extreme problem.

In the four months that I've lived there, I am the only one who has vacuumed, cleaned the floors or done the dishes. I am the only one who has cleaned the bathroom.

She has a self-defrosting freezer that frosted up because it was too full and messy.

She has a dog. A Maltese. White dog of miniature death. I want to kill the animal, not out of cruelty toward animals but in self-defense. The animal is cruel to me. In the time that I've lived there, the dog has managed to eat my $150 sunglasses, eat my toothbrush, poop on my shirt and piss on my suitjacket. He eats the trash. He pisses on the linoleum. He craps all over the friggin house. And she never cleans it up. I used to but now I'm doing an experiment. I want to see how many pieces of crap it takes for her to start smelling it. So I step over it on the way in the house and step over it on the way out of the house. I know she comes in and out the same door as me, so I know she doesnt miss it. She has to be ignoring it, hoping I will do something about it.

I think the girl is really cool and we would get along great if the dog was dead. But, on the other hand, I think she would not really be friendly toward me if she found out I murdered her instrument of torture/dog.

Animals are overrated. They are worse than children (and that is saying a lot). Why anyone would suffer through the smell, the hair, the barking, and the crap is beyond me. At least kids will eventually help you with the chores.

I think I'm gonna move.

The Problem Of Jason

I know everyone who reads this blog gets tired of hearing about Jason, my brother. I know everyone is tired of being bummed out by what I write. I wish I had better news, but right now this is where I am. Or, better said, this is what I am choosing to write about. In writing, you can clearly state one thing and have it misunderstood by many. I write these down not only for the benefit of my community, but really mostly for the benefit of my state of mind; it's remarkably cheaper than therapy. So read with caution.

I recently had someone tell me that I write about my problems for sympathy. There is truth to that. I accept that. I want to be understood. I find it rare that anyone understands me, ever. So I write to a general audience seeking a small demographic sample that may find my writings to be interesting, enlightening or even challenging. I hope that a year from now I am not embarrassed by my thoughts, because I find the honesty and disclosure to be outrageously refreshing.

I am looking for empathy more than sympathy. I want you to walk in these shoes. It reminds me of a song by king's X.

SHOES

There can be but better ways from yesterdays to me
Somewhere there are better days for better ways to be
Sunny Days Have Funny Ways of Quieting the Roar
Is it still a blessed thing to live and live some more?

And I'm left with the truth
And I'm right in my mind
Given Some of the time, maybe never
So I walk in these shoes
When I feel its the blues
If it aint it will do....

I woke up early one morning
Like I been under a spell
Gazed into the mirror reflection
Said I had to do it or else.

And I'm left with the truth
And I'm right in my mind
Given Some of the time, maybe never
So I walk in these shoes
When I feel its the blues
If it aint it will do....

Oooh, things are through

There can be but better ways from yesterdays to me
Somewhere there are better days for better ways to be
Sunny Days Have Funny Ways of Quieting the Roar
Is it still a blessed thing to live and live some more?

From this I gather: I am weeping a lot. I am. I am mourning. I am still mourning. Sorry Russell. I am. If you choose not weep with me, then it's on your head. I am mourning so many losses I can't count them all. Say what you want. But your happy speeches make no sense to the mourning. I have no problem bearing that to the world. I am confessing it.

In my youth I had plenty of sunshine. I had rain. But mostly sunny days and lemonade. One time on a sunny day i scraped my arm, and shook the italian dressing and it got inside the wound. Man, that hurt.

I had a luxurious childhood safe from most harms. It didnt prepare me for the misery I have recently endured. I now appreciate those days more. I can now truly appreciate those people with worse lives than mine.

I remember sitting around a campfire as a child at church camp hearing the confessions of these kids. I remember them telling about the abuse they endured, about the sins they committed, about the problems they endured. I used to pray to God for something bad to happen so that I could understand them better. Isnt that nuts? Its like the kids in my store who cry when they don't get to wear glasses because they have no prescription.

I prayed in college for God to undo me. To destroy me. Man. Did that ever work! I am stripped. Woe to me! I am undone! For I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips. All the words I speak are tainted.

And so that is my point. I am getting up. I am moving on. Its nothing like anything you could imagine. Its different. Its worse. And It's not as bad as you thought.

Its just life. Its terrifying. Its thrilling and exciting. Hopefully you find someone wonderful who understands you and can cry with you. someone to hold you when you are weak and dry your tears. I had that for a while and it was great. I dont have that now and I miss it. I want that desperately.

Please save your speeches about how God/Christ are there doing that for me now. We all know that is true and wonderful information in the information age. He does it in His own time. And now I know what it is to want. I want more comfort. I want more satisfaction. I want more.

I'm greedy. I'll deal with that on my own time. LOL. Blogging is so nuts. Why do I tell you people these things? I know for a fact I would never tell you all these things in person. It would be some joke or another. I'm quite funny still.

Whatever. This is me. the real me.

HOW? HOW? HOW?

When you fall really far, like from the top floor of a 100 story building, you build a great deal of vertical velocity. Gravity is a real bitch in that scenario. Cement, though, is the bigger bitch. When your body hits that immutable firmness, it expands, shifts and gives. Your bones break into hundreds of pieces. Your flesh tears and your blood shoots out into a spray so big like the biggest water balloon. Dont ask me how I know this.

Falling hurts so bad that it hurts even to think about it. It hurts to talk/write/contemplate it. It hurts because you know what's coming. Advice.

You get a thousand opinions about how to get back up.
1. The scriptures say you are letting Satan have a foothold. You are not really fallen. You are victorious. You're Believing a lie. I am blessed with spiritual knowledge. Whatever.
2. Pray more. God will lift you up. True but when? How does that help me right now? I am. I pray. Help me stop being a pancake here on the ground.
3. Come to our church. Our church is so much better. Then you'll feel better.
4. Go back to school. Make some money. You'll be miserable, but comfortable.
5. Have a drink. You'll still be miserable, but you'll forget it for a while.
6. Sleep with me. You'll still be miserable, just a new kind of miserable.
7. Hang out with your buddies. "Hey! I'm a pancake, remember?" Come scoop me up. Bring your very best spatula from SPATULA CITY, where they sell spatulas...and that's all.
8. This isnt really advice. But I hear "I am praying for you. " Thank you for the prayer. But this pancake isn't gonna reform itself. It needs therapy. It needs rehabilitation. So it doesn't look so pancaky anymore.

This is not meant to be a criticism of anyone in particular. I'm venting. Nobody has yet to mean me harm. Ok. Maybe one person. But that is pretty good considering.

But I just will keep writing. Please read this stuff. I remember being a pastor with a lilly-white past. I had no idea how to cope with people who were suffering. I had no idea what they were going through. I remember hearing the song "Take My World Apart" by Jars of Clay. Unmake me. I wanted so badly to be broken, you know, so I could understand Christ better and be a more empathetic minister (what a messed up way of thinking).

God answered my prayer. He took my world apart. Broke me into a thousand fragile pieces. To teach me. Nobody is invulnerable. Nobody is safe. As long as we live with people, we will all suffer. Suffering sucks.

It does! But hear this: God does not allow us to suffer so that He can take away our suffering. He does it so that by enduring suffering, we develop patience. It is discipline. The task I'm being called to is unique. I am still finding what it is. I am not done suffering yet. Not just suffering for the gospel, that would be awfully pious. Nope Just general miserable life type of suffering. Tell you what, though. I am learning a remarkable lesson in compassion. I am learning about what I really want from others when I'm suffering.

I think that by going through this, I am learning how to mourn with others. To really mourn. With them. Not just feeling sorry for them. Really mourning. I appreciate those of you who chose to mourn with me, rather than promise me happiness. I love how you cried with me and said "I dont know what to do!" I know! Me either! I love it. I know what it is to go without.

And that is just a small sampling of the advice I've honestly received.