Something About Weddings

Last night I went to a wedding. It was the first wedding I had been to in a very long time. It brought to mind my wedding, the failure of my marriage and the wedding ceremonies I myself had the wicked pleasure of facilitating. The ceremony was simple, beautiful and remarkable. These two people were really in love. I, in my cuurrent state, was cynical and unmoved (really, me, cynical and unmoved--go figure). The reception was different. Again the bride and groom kissing and carrying on. Loved ones speaking up and saying lovelies for the guests to hear. When they asked if anyone else had anything to say I almost stood up and said "I'm drunk, I wet my pants, and my marriage went down in flames." But I caught myself. This wedding reminded me more than anything about how much pain I was in. I never had so much fun being so miserable. The company was incredible. I have never danced in my life, but i found myself (I was sober the drunk joke was just a joke) dancing with some beautiful women and just enjoying my moment. At one point I was dancing with two beautiful women at once (talk about fantasy island). So much of my life is coming to a head. It will result in great success or massive failure. I still cant get Jason's death out of my head. I cant escape it. It's everywhere. I wonder if I will ever outrun my grief. The loss of my brother is the worst event of my life. I will miss my marriage, but i will never feel it the way i do about my lost brother. I think dancing reminded me of Jason. I could feel him. I could imagine him there and how much fun he would have been. God, I miss him so much.