In the famous words of Staind, it's been a while. At any rate I'm back, at least for the present. Do I have social commentary? Yes. I think I am getting to the place where I just wish there were people in the church I could relate to. In the words of Bono, "Yeah, I'd break bread and wine if there was a church I could receive in, 'cos i need it now." I feel that my circumstances have pushed me further and further away from the church. Not from God, but from the people who follow him. I am not like them anymore. I love the same God and serve the same world. I just can't force myself through the same motions. I can't force the Godspeak language out. I can't muster the energy to sit through a committee meeting. I can't find meaning in manufactured and contrived worship services. I can't stomach the politics. I can't swallow the judgments. I can't absorb the expected excitement. I walk through the door, take a seat and listen to words that seem to bounce right off my chest. I know what it is to be broken. Truly broken. The churches I have been in have never been a safe place to be broken. The church is for fixed people, or at least people pretending to be fixed enough to be able to serve. People in service can't be broken. They have to be above reproach. Which means, they have to be better than other people at hiding their faults. Faults make you unfit to serve. Even if the faults are beyond your control. That is too bad. Because I have lots to offer. I have training, talents, abilities and desire. But I don't have a perfect family life. My wife left me. Imin the divorce process, and my dream of being a minister is pretty much shattered. I just need a little hope offered. I don't have the strength to hope on my own. I just need someone to believe in me. Give me another chance. Then i could believe in a church of grace. But in 4 years of rejection and disgrace, I have yet to experience that. So I am cynical. I try. I really do. One person cannot carry all of this and still be expected to maintain that innocence. Reality forces its' way into recognition. And I am here.
1 comment:
Brandon -
I appreciate your raw emotion. You have succinctly put into words, I feel, the angst of many people (many of whom don't have the courage, or the words, to express their struggle). I have never considered myself a compassionate person, apathetic mostly, but I'm always touched by genuine people - genuine thoughts - like yours.
I'm finding it interesting to see my college friends as I should have known them in college - as real people. I humbly offer you this hope (at the risk of sounding like Godspeak): I was touched by your honesty and I know God can use that in great ways, even if it's not within the confines of a paid ministry. Perhaps more so outside the expectations of paid servitude. Maybe your dream as a minister is only beginning.
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