Tattered.

Look at that word, tattered. It's a very descriptive word. You hear it, and you see wear and tear. You see weatherstains and mold. Tattered. It's a word used to describe a jacket that's been worn for too long. It's the backpack that you refused to retire four years too late. It's Brett Favre's tired career. It's a word we like to use of things that are no longer useful. It's a word we use for things that are so completely over-used beyond their expected time and abilities. It's not a word we like to think of in relationship to ourselves. When something is tattered, we change it. When something is tattered, we throw it away. With that out of the way, a friend of mine who doesn't mince words or sugarcoat truths told me, "Brandon, you're so tattered." in the context of the surprising (albeit sometimes shocking to the innocent and naive) things that come out of my mouth. He was speaking in reference to some of the brasher truths I had revealed to him about faith, the ministry, and the church. He asked me if I thought it was dangerous to be so care-free. For, to him, the things I say and said to him were deep, profound, terrifying and not-so-happy-go-lucky. He believed I should have said them with more seriousness, gravity, and care for the response of the listener. I flatly (and maybe this was the point he was getting at) told him that after everything I've seen and experienced (and, mind you, I'm not even quite thirty yet, so i have lots more to see and do hopefully) do not fear the things I used to fear. Almost every one of my deepest darkest fears have come true. What I feared when I was 23 has come true. So I went through it. I no longer fear that occuring because it already has. My wife left me. (ouch). My brother Jason died (big ouch). I was derailed in my ministry because of my family problems (an ouch I can live with). My brother (the dead one) was bisexual, and people found out (at the time it was a big ouch). My wife started dating other people (ouch). My son has a congenital and uncurable illness (ouch). My mom and dad nearly divorced over unfaithfulness (ouch). My mom got cancer (ouch). Now most Christians don't know how to talk to me anymore (again ouch). You go through this. I am not afraid of these things happening to me anymore. I've been through it and survived. So I guess that maybe has hardened me a little. I don't think too much. If anything, I feel what others are going through even more than I used to, because now I KNOW. I relive those feelings when I hear of other people experiencing them. But I am not in a place yet where I feel that being trepid or cautious about my feelings or how I express them matters much. If anything I've lost my patience for people who pussyfoot around issues. I lost my patience for people who hint at truth or allude to it, or manipulate it. You thought I was weird before. Ask Tom Flammer. The dude would tell you I'm so angry and jaded (or tattered even - no it wasn't him to called me that). I don't think I really am that angry. I AM impatient. I AM intolerant of facetiousness. I am intolerant of ignorance, naivite, and the inexperienced. I am intolerant of people who deny their experiences because they don't line up with what they were told about Scripture. I'll tell you something. My experience did not change the Word of God. But, my experience has changed how I understand it. I am in a bind. I do not relate well to the Christians who are older than me. Even though they are experienced, they do not (for the most part) interpret their experiences the same way. In real life, I find that younger people (mostly people younger than me) appreciate my perspective better than most other groups of people. However, most of the younger set are so naive and inexperienced that I find that most of what I say can be chalked up to entertainment value because the stories keep them gripped, at the edges of their seats, but don't really mean a whole lot to them, and many times, discourage them from trying things that need to be tried because of their fears of failing like I did. So, enough about me. How are you doing?