The Problem Of Jason

I know everyone who reads this blog gets tired of hearing about Jason, my brother. I know everyone is tired of being bummed out by what I write. I wish I had better news, but right now this is where I am. Or, better said, this is what I am choosing to write about. In writing, you can clearly state one thing and have it misunderstood by many. I write these down not only for the benefit of my community, but really mostly for the benefit of my state of mind; it's remarkably cheaper than therapy. So read with caution.

I recently had someone tell me that I write about my problems for sympathy. There is truth to that. I accept that. I want to be understood. I find it rare that anyone understands me, ever. So I write to a general audience seeking a small demographic sample that may find my writings to be interesting, enlightening or even challenging. I hope that a year from now I am not embarrassed by my thoughts, because I find the honesty and disclosure to be outrageously refreshing.

I am looking for empathy more than sympathy. I want you to walk in these shoes. It reminds me of a song by king's X.

SHOES

There can be but better ways from yesterdays to me
Somewhere there are better days for better ways to be
Sunny Days Have Funny Ways of Quieting the Roar
Is it still a blessed thing to live and live some more?

And I'm left with the truth
And I'm right in my mind
Given Some of the time, maybe never
So I walk in these shoes
When I feel its the blues
If it aint it will do....

I woke up early one morning
Like I been under a spell
Gazed into the mirror reflection
Said I had to do it or else.

And I'm left with the truth
And I'm right in my mind
Given Some of the time, maybe never
So I walk in these shoes
When I feel its the blues
If it aint it will do....

Oooh, things are through

There can be but better ways from yesterdays to me
Somewhere there are better days for better ways to be
Sunny Days Have Funny Ways of Quieting the Roar
Is it still a blessed thing to live and live some more?

From this I gather: I am weeping a lot. I am. I am mourning. I am still mourning. Sorry Russell. I am. If you choose not weep with me, then it's on your head. I am mourning so many losses I can't count them all. Say what you want. But your happy speeches make no sense to the mourning. I have no problem bearing that to the world. I am confessing it.

In my youth I had plenty of sunshine. I had rain. But mostly sunny days and lemonade. One time on a sunny day i scraped my arm, and shook the italian dressing and it got inside the wound. Man, that hurt.

I had a luxurious childhood safe from most harms. It didnt prepare me for the misery I have recently endured. I now appreciate those days more. I can now truly appreciate those people with worse lives than mine.

I remember sitting around a campfire as a child at church camp hearing the confessions of these kids. I remember them telling about the abuse they endured, about the sins they committed, about the problems they endured. I used to pray to God for something bad to happen so that I could understand them better. Isnt that nuts? Its like the kids in my store who cry when they don't get to wear glasses because they have no prescription.

I prayed in college for God to undo me. To destroy me. Man. Did that ever work! I am stripped. Woe to me! I am undone! For I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips. All the words I speak are tainted.

And so that is my point. I am getting up. I am moving on. Its nothing like anything you could imagine. Its different. Its worse. And It's not as bad as you thought.

Its just life. Its terrifying. Its thrilling and exciting. Hopefully you find someone wonderful who understands you and can cry with you. someone to hold you when you are weak and dry your tears. I had that for a while and it was great. I dont have that now and I miss it. I want that desperately.

Please save your speeches about how God/Christ are there doing that for me now. We all know that is true and wonderful information in the information age. He does it in His own time. And now I know what it is to want. I want more comfort. I want more satisfaction. I want more.

I'm greedy. I'll deal with that on my own time. LOL. Blogging is so nuts. Why do I tell you people these things? I know for a fact I would never tell you all these things in person. It would be some joke or another. I'm quite funny still.

Whatever. This is me. the real me.