Expecting: the Worst Possible Defense Mechanism

You know what? I know that getting back into ministry isn't going to be the easiest road in the world to walk. It's amazing, Getting into it in the first place was a cinch. I needed almost no qualifications other than a GLCC degree (which we all are aware of the infinite value of). Needless (or needles?) to say, I never expected it to be easy. As if I were going to make an announcement and the doors would just fly open "WELCOME BACK, BRANDON!!"

I look at my life now, and I know for certain that I'm a much better qualified person to do the actual "job" than I was five years ago. But I understand the circumstances of my personal failures don't add up to the "without fault" category of church leadership in some circles.

My personal belief is that because of my shortcomings and failures and the work I have had to do and the healing God had to do I am more qualified than I ever was before and have experience to help others that not many ministers have.

I like what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1. Essentially he tells his followers in Corinth that he and his cohort have gone through all kinds of terrible things for the comfort of the church. I can give comfort because of the comfort I was given. It's great. I can point hurting people to the healing I experienced (and the healing I'm still in need of).

One thing through my whole experience is that I found that the church I was in (granted it was only a megachurch of 6000 members with over 500 staff members) really didnt have the resources to adequately "deal" with my problem. I was embarrassed, hurt, confused and I felt abandoned by my church friends. Now that I seem to be on an upswing emotionally, and on more solid ground, do my church friends and family try to approach me. I think negative hurt dark Brandon scared people. He scared me.

Anyway. Older. Wiser. and Way more interesting Brandon is here for good. Holla.

Dusting off the Blogshelves

Hey, I know it's been a while, but here I am. I found something to write about. I left off with a vague and bleak look at reality. My intent for the blog was to be completly honest whenever I wrote in it; to hold nothing back no matter how real it was in the moment I was writing it. I'm glad God can handle it. I appreciate most of the responses (except the spams). You will never get a church answer in this blog. "My life is great" (fake smile and out the door). I am just trying to encapsulate the reality of what's going on in my life.

With that in mind, I came across a few different thoughts recently that made me think. Maybe they will make you think. I think so.

First up. I just read a book by Robb Bell. Velvet Elvis. Ironically, the book had nothing to do with Elvis or the fine Mexican art of painting on black velvet canvasses.

It was about God, Bible, Jesus.

It was inspiring. I liked it because it wasnt canned. It was raw. It was exciting because it was controversial AND true.

The format catered to the Attention Deficient Gen Xers and unders. (it was easy and thoughts were broken up conversationally).

I just kept saying "yes, that's true" over and over.

It made me get up. Stretch a little. Think hard. It made me proud to be honest and say things like "innocence is the lie that...." you know the rest.

Part of the reason I wrote that was because it was such a quotable line. It didnt really get the reaction I was looking for. I'm still certain that lost innocence is enlightening. Wasn't knowledge of good and evil knowledge?

Innocence is rarely lost. It's usually given freely. There are horrifying circumstances where it is taken, for sure. That is the exception. I am becoming more keenly aware of the difference between innocence and ignorance. If you pretend not to know something it doesnt mean you are innocent. If you wonder if... well you know.

Innocence cannat be atttained if you have sinned. Its a weird duality. The ultimate reality is innocence, of course. It has to be. For that is how I am in Christ. However, I would be a fool to think that I have become innocent in my flesh and mind. I still need healing. Only a fool would think otherwise.

But, I have to admit, exploring my darkness really opened my eeyes to my own deeper darknesses. I'm a lot more forgiving, a lot less judgmental, and a thousand times more gracious and thankful for my salvation than I have ever been. Who knows? Maybe He's softening me up for something.

My divorce is final. I've been attending a megachurch for some time. A megachurch is a great place to be, especially if you need to be alone. And I needed to be alone.

But that time is over. I'm not tired anymore. I am called still (unfortunately for the church) to do something more eternally eventful with my life. My period in the desert is over. It's time for me to get off the bench and get back in the game (in whatever role the coach PLACES me).

So, peace out. I'll be back later.