When you fall really far, like from the top floor of a 100 story building, you build a great deal of vertical velocity. Gravity is a real bitch in that scenario. Cement, though, is the bigger bitch. When your body hits that immutable firmness, it expands, shifts and gives. Your bones break into hundreds of pieces. Your flesh tears and your blood shoots out into a spray so big like the biggest water balloon. Dont ask me how I know this.
Falling hurts so bad that it hurts even to think about it. It hurts to talk/write/contemplate it. It hurts because you know what's coming. Advice.
You get a thousand opinions about how to get back up.
1. The scriptures say you are letting Satan have a foothold. You are not really fallen. You are victorious. You're Believing a lie. I am blessed with spiritual knowledge. Whatever.
2. Pray more. God will lift you up. True but when? How does that help me right now? I am. I pray. Help me stop being a pancake here on the ground.
3. Come to our church. Our church is so much better. Then you'll feel better.
4. Go back to school. Make some money. You'll be miserable, but comfortable.
5. Have a drink. You'll still be miserable, but you'll forget it for a while.
6. Sleep with me. You'll still be miserable, just a new kind of miserable.
7. Hang out with your buddies. "Hey! I'm a pancake, remember?" Come scoop me up. Bring your very best spatula from SPATULA CITY, where they sell spatulas...and that's all.
8. This isnt really advice. But I hear "I am praying for you. " Thank you for the prayer. But this pancake isn't gonna reform itself. It needs therapy. It needs rehabilitation. So it doesn't look so pancaky anymore.
This is not meant to be a criticism of anyone in particular. I'm venting. Nobody has yet to mean me harm. Ok. Maybe one person. But that is pretty good considering.
But I just will keep writing. Please read this stuff. I remember being a pastor with a lilly-white past. I had no idea how to cope with people who were suffering. I had no idea what they were going through. I remember hearing the song "Take My World Apart" by Jars of Clay. Unmake me. I wanted so badly to be broken, you know, so I could understand Christ better and be a more empathetic minister (what a messed up way of thinking).
God answered my prayer. He took my world apart. Broke me into a thousand fragile pieces. To teach me. Nobody is invulnerable. Nobody is safe. As long as we live with people, we will all suffer. Suffering sucks.
It does! But hear this: God does not allow us to suffer so that He can take away our suffering. He does it so that by enduring suffering, we develop patience. It is discipline. The task I'm being called to is unique. I am still finding what it is. I am not done suffering yet. Not just suffering for the gospel, that would be awfully pious. Nope Just general miserable life type of suffering. Tell you what, though. I am learning a remarkable lesson in compassion. I am learning about what I really want from others when I'm suffering.
I think that by going through this, I am learning how to mourn with others. To really mourn. With them. Not just feeling sorry for them. Really mourning. I appreciate those of you who chose to mourn with me, rather than promise me happiness. I love how you cried with me and said "I dont know what to do!" I know! Me either! I love it. I know what it is to go without.
And that is just a small sampling of the advice I've honestly received.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
sometimes i wonder what in the hell has happened 2 my little peaceful and perfect world? does growing up really suck this bad? do i have it worse than others? i mean seriously what the hell is going on? i remember being a young christian ( i would call myself a christian on call nowadays i suppose) and having bad days but there was always a way 2 deal with the misery. always something 2 counteract the pain. always some way 2 respond. just having people like brandon caralond , his brother dave or shannon or whatever his real name is. so i spend 5 years completely away from the community og christians i used to know. i am not going 2 lie i am completely humbled and in shock 2 come back and find what i have found. it hasn't been only my life that has been less then desirable , so i ask what about us? the fallen , are we now less desireable in gods appearance? what about the circles of friends we used to help and support? are they just gone? vaporized into thin air? all i am saying brandon is that when i knew you, you served as you were called. and that should not be forgotten. you are a child of god as am i , and that makes you my brother. i will pray for you , but also for the christians that are doing well , that they would remember and start caring a little more.
rob
sometimes i wonder what in the hell has happened 2 my little peaceful and perfect world? does growing up really suck this bad? do i have it worse than others? i mean seriously what the hell is going on? i remember being a young christian ( i would call myself a christian on call nowadays i suppose) and having bad days but there was always a way 2 deal with the misery. always something 2 counteract the pain. always some way 2 respond. just having people like brandon caralond , his brother dave or shannon or whatever his real name is. so i spend 5 years completely away from the community og christians i used to know. i am not going 2 lie i am completely humbled and in shock 2 come back and find what i have found. it hasn't been only my life that has been less then desirable , so i ask what about us? the fallen , are we now less desireable in gods appearance? what about the circles of friends we used to help and support? are they just gone? vaporized into thin air? all i am saying brandon is that when i knew you, you served as you were called. and that should not be forgotten. you are a child of god as am i , and that makes you my brother. i will pray for you , but also for the christians that are doing well , that they would remember and start caring a little more.
rob
sometimes i wonder what in the hell has happened 2 my little peaceful and perfect world? does growing up really suck this bad? do i have it worse than others? i mean seriously what the hell is going on? i remember being a young christian ( i would call myself a christian on call nowadays i suppose) and having bad days but there was always a way 2 deal with the misery. always something 2 counteract the pain. always some way 2 respond. just having people like brandon caralond , his brother dave or shannon or whatever his real name is. so i spend 5 years completely away from the community og christians i used to know. i am not going 2 lie i am completely humbled and in shock 2 come back and find what i have found. it hasn't been only my life that has been less then desirable , so i ask what about us? the fallen , are we now less desireable in gods appearance? what about the circles of friends we used to help and support? are they just gone? vaporized into thin air? all i am saying brandon is that when i knew you, you served as you were called. and that should not be forgotten. you are a child of god as am i , and that makes you my brother. i will pray for you , but also for the christians that are doing well , that they would remember and start caring a little more.
rob
Hi Brandon.
I haven't been to your blog in a while. I thought you fell off into blog la-la land.
Glad you're back or maybe I should say depressed that you're back.
The only advice (not that you're asking - you actually said you hate advice, but I guess I'm a prick) I have is that life, for me, sucks when I am not in a healthy community-oriented church. It sucks right now. Lindsay and I just want one family (heck, some single people would be nice) to be friends with, to hang out with once a week or whenever we or they feel like it. We have nobody. Life was good when we had friends that weren't just casual acquaintances.
However, I'm sure it's lonelier when you don't even have a wife to complain to about these things. I can't comprehend the loneliness.
Post a Comment