Expecting: the Worst Possible Defense Mechanism

You know what? I know that getting back into ministry isn't going to be the easiest road in the world to walk. It's amazing, Getting into it in the first place was a cinch. I needed almost no qualifications other than a GLCC degree (which we all are aware of the infinite value of). Needless (or needles?) to say, I never expected it to be easy. As if I were going to make an announcement and the doors would just fly open "WELCOME BACK, BRANDON!!"

I look at my life now, and I know for certain that I'm a much better qualified person to do the actual "job" than I was five years ago. But I understand the circumstances of my personal failures don't add up to the "without fault" category of church leadership in some circles.

My personal belief is that because of my shortcomings and failures and the work I have had to do and the healing God had to do I am more qualified than I ever was before and have experience to help others that not many ministers have.

I like what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1. Essentially he tells his followers in Corinth that he and his cohort have gone through all kinds of terrible things for the comfort of the church. I can give comfort because of the comfort I was given. It's great. I can point hurting people to the healing I experienced (and the healing I'm still in need of).

One thing through my whole experience is that I found that the church I was in (granted it was only a megachurch of 6000 members with over 500 staff members) really didnt have the resources to adequately "deal" with my problem. I was embarrassed, hurt, confused and I felt abandoned by my church friends. Now that I seem to be on an upswing emotionally, and on more solid ground, do my church friends and family try to approach me. I think negative hurt dark Brandon scared people. He scared me.

Anyway. Older. Wiser. and Way more interesting Brandon is here for good. Holla.

Dusting off the Blogshelves

Hey, I know it's been a while, but here I am. I found something to write about. I left off with a vague and bleak look at reality. My intent for the blog was to be completly honest whenever I wrote in it; to hold nothing back no matter how real it was in the moment I was writing it. I'm glad God can handle it. I appreciate most of the responses (except the spams). You will never get a church answer in this blog. "My life is great" (fake smile and out the door). I am just trying to encapsulate the reality of what's going on in my life.

With that in mind, I came across a few different thoughts recently that made me think. Maybe they will make you think. I think so.

First up. I just read a book by Robb Bell. Velvet Elvis. Ironically, the book had nothing to do with Elvis or the fine Mexican art of painting on black velvet canvasses.

It was about God, Bible, Jesus.

It was inspiring. I liked it because it wasnt canned. It was raw. It was exciting because it was controversial AND true.

The format catered to the Attention Deficient Gen Xers and unders. (it was easy and thoughts were broken up conversationally).

I just kept saying "yes, that's true" over and over.

It made me get up. Stretch a little. Think hard. It made me proud to be honest and say things like "innocence is the lie that...." you know the rest.

Part of the reason I wrote that was because it was such a quotable line. It didnt really get the reaction I was looking for. I'm still certain that lost innocence is enlightening. Wasn't knowledge of good and evil knowledge?

Innocence is rarely lost. It's usually given freely. There are horrifying circumstances where it is taken, for sure. That is the exception. I am becoming more keenly aware of the difference between innocence and ignorance. If you pretend not to know something it doesnt mean you are innocent. If you wonder if... well you know.

Innocence cannat be atttained if you have sinned. Its a weird duality. The ultimate reality is innocence, of course. It has to be. For that is how I am in Christ. However, I would be a fool to think that I have become innocent in my flesh and mind. I still need healing. Only a fool would think otherwise.

But, I have to admit, exploring my darkness really opened my eeyes to my own deeper darknesses. I'm a lot more forgiving, a lot less judgmental, and a thousand times more gracious and thankful for my salvation than I have ever been. Who knows? Maybe He's softening me up for something.

My divorce is final. I've been attending a megachurch for some time. A megachurch is a great place to be, especially if you need to be alone. And I needed to be alone.

But that time is over. I'm not tired anymore. I am called still (unfortunately for the church) to do something more eternally eventful with my life. My period in the desert is over. It's time for me to get off the bench and get back in the game (in whatever role the coach PLACES me).

So, peace out. I'll be back later.

This vague darkness...

I was going to make a post about all the movie remakes. I was going to vent about how frustrated I was with the lack of creativity in hollywood writing and the degeneration of the art form. But I read what I was writing and was completely disinterested.

What moves me? I liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I liked War of the worlds. I actually liked all the movie remakes (that I saw). Who has time to whine about movies? I don't.

I have to move. My roommate of one year is selling the house. I am homeless again. But I'll say this for the record: I will not--not for one minute--miss those filthy animals that contaminated that house.

The deck seems stacked against me. The losing hand keeps being dealt. Maybe I should stop thinking about life as chance. I should find the purpose of losing all the time. As if. Maybe I should smile more and be more cheerful so others around me feel better. Maybe I should give a rip.

You know those people who are so nice? They seem so sweet and innocent and cheerful. The darker side of me wants to slap them. Shake them up and show them some reality. At what cost? The illusion of innocence. Reality sucks. Innocence is the lie that keeps people from facing reality. We try to keep people innocent as long as possible so that they stay positive. Positivity is inspiring and hopeful. And people who are neck-deep in reality need innocent hope once in a while. So we keep the innocent around. They have their use.

The thing is, once innocence is lost it is never recovered. The danger is letting the darkness of reality darken you. If you can maintain your light with the full understanding of how dark things really are, then you've got something. But you'll never know how dark things are until you've been darkened a little yourself.

Thought Tendencies

My mind works, contrary to popular opinion, albeit in mysterious ways. I must confess that although blogging was getting a little tiresome for me it helped me sort through things going on in my head. The fact that these thoughts are displayed in a public forum should be intimidating and maybe it keeps me from beeing 100% forthright but it does keep me from bottling things up.

After I posted those comments a few weeks back I realized something. I liked it. So why haven't I blogged in so long? I wonder. I think it's because things have been going relatively well. Maybe my blog is too whiny when I read it because I used it mostly as an outlet for whining.

So to catch all 3 of my adoring readers up to speed. Here's what's going on in my life so far in OH Five.

The pistons lost game seven. This affected me. Reality check. It made me question the integrity of the NBA, television etc. My imagination runs wild. Every time one my teams went to the championship game they won. This was the first time one of my teams lost the final game. Not very often do my teams make it to the finals.

My friends, Brian and Betsy (you don't know them no matter how familiar their names are to you) are moving away from me. I went to Chicago for the weekend to see one of Betsy's art showings at a gallery there. That was great. I went with my roommate and my other friend Brian (not her boyfriend, Brian; another Brian. Black Brian). I will miss them. They mean a lot to me. But Betsy got a scholarship to attend a graduate art program in Kansas. What could she do? They have to go.

My friend and manager, Mika quit. My job is about to go through some major changes. I don't know what's going to happen. Work is in a state of upheaval. So I'm feeling a little occupationally unstable. I don't mind that people are looking for leadership from me while we are awaiting the new manager. It's the waiting that bothers me. Wondering if i will like him/her or if I should start looking for a new job.

My divorce is almost done. Whatever. Just imagine my eyes rolling in disgust. If you know me then you probably know what that looks like (reason in part for the divorce in the firstplace, likely). It's funny how cyclic things get. I won her heart rolling my eyes. I pissed her off rolling my eyes. The topic of the divorce makes me roll my eyes. It was bound to catch up with me, Dad always said.

The woman I'm currently "seeing" is from the Philippines. She lives with her grandmother here. So I've been attending functions and parties involving large numbers of Philippinos. I've learned a few words of Tagalog (Tah GAH lug) the language they speak. Its been wild. Eating Philippino food. Very good stuff. Never a dull moment. Its like munchkin land without all the candy. But the food is sooo goood. Lots of cultural differences to say the least.

I've been with my roommate for over a year now. Spiraling.

Collin is entering 3rd grade. Morgan 1st. I just bought Collin a guitar. Morgan's b'day is later this month. She will be 6. Time flies with kids.

I just got an email from Angie Ohlman. out of the blue. Cool. Hi Angie and Eric! I slept through another job interview today.

Here are the CD's that I bought this year.
American Idiot: Green Day
Make Believe: Weezer
Final Straw: Snow Patrol
Fly or Die: N.E.R.D.
Rockin the Suburbs: Ben Folds
Welcome Interstate Managers: Fountains of Wayne
The Joshua Tree: U2
The Unforgettable Fire: U2
Grace-The Legacy Edition: Jeff Buckley
Rattle & Hum: U2
Futures: Jimmy Eat World
Get Behind Me, Satan: The White Stripes
Logic Will Break Your Heart: The Stills
X&Y: Coldplay
Collide: Skillet
I am the Portuguese Blues: Starflyer 59.

I am happy with all of these purchases (some new some used).

Blogworthy

Well since I haven't blogged in quite some time, I've been waiting for that juicy topic to blog about before I entered anything. I have a worthy topic.

The House Church. Since most of the people who read my blog either attend a house church or know someone who does or has an opinion about it I thought I would write about my experience and review it for public record.

I have to admit, coming into it, I was very skeptical. In my mind, how could this thing survive, let alone flourish, how could something so apparently disorganized and unstructured have any hope of survival past tomorrow let alone be a viable means of evangelism in the 21st century?

All the questions I had in my mind about the lack of central leadership, the lack of a "real" worship service, the lack of a central meeting place, the lack of a 21st century business office with a secretary, vacation bible school, a massive stewardship campaign for outrageously priced land and a 12 piece orchestra with overhead projection and power-point lessons would come to the forefront.

I've heard remarks on these services from different sources. Regular attendees who swear by it and visitors who are intrigued yet skeptical. The most adamant opponents of this style of church are usually hard liners who fail to examine anything with any sort of objectivity, and by that I mean actually attend it and see what it's about.

Here's what I liked: The intimacy. People often compare what they do to a cell in a larger church. But I've been around a while and been involved in cell groups a very long time and have never seen the intimacy of a group like this. I'm not even going to go into the Biblical hullabaloo about what I saw there. I just liked it. I was jealous of the close-knit community. I could see how that would be good for my own life and it left me longing for it. I dont know of any other group that is so generous with it's posessions, with their homes or with finances anywhere. As different as I felt I was from them, I still felt really welcome.

Here's what I didn't like: (This is the part where I am being vulnerably honest and I will be sensitive but you may not like it but I'm going to say it). On top of all the great things about the comradery, fellowship, and community (which were superior) I still felt like there was a lack of direction to the whole thing. All my leadership experience and training, all my Steven Covey books and Willow Creek Leadership Summits cried out. BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. I like the fact that they take time to really comb the scriptures for their Bible studies, but the discussion really had no focus. If you are going to have a 6-12 week discussion on holiness, morality and entertainment, you should be building toward a conclusion that should have been reached in the facilitator's mind already. Each of the discussions should be pointing toward that conclusion that tha facilitator came to through their study (preparation). Being in that moment I could see how I could get really frustrated. It wouldnt be because of people not agreeing with me or with people not understanding my point, but it would be the tendency of violence toward expired steeds that was so overboard that P.E.T.A would file a lawsuit.

Now this problem is a location-specific problem (in my mind) that isnt true to all models of the house church. I think that this is what they expected and what they like about their experience. They want to make sure that everyone participates in the discussion and that no question goes unanswered. It's sort of like George Bush's educational program "No Child Left Behind". It may slow down the growth of your more advanced students, but it ensures that the little ones of the group not get dusted in the raucous and cacophony of the intellectual elitists that run so many of these types of groups.

It speaks to their maturity and patience that they can handle it. I admit my immaturity was immediately exploited. I was ready to pull out my hair a few times. But it was MY problem. And the mercy that they showed to their new students was, again, unprecedented.

I learned a lot from this experience. I asked Tom how he handles it. I know that coming from the same place that I did and being his friend for so long he would be able to relate. I asked him, "Tom, how can you handle/stomach the fact that everyone in your group is so patient and nice? Do you ever wonder how you fit into a group like that?" He basically told me that at first it was a problem, but eventually it started rubbing off on him. I have to admit that he has a point. This group has matured Tom in ways he probably hasn't even noticed. Again, I was jealous.

I am no longer skeptical. I can see the great work that this church is doing. I can see how a group like this could distinguish itself from a cell group in a formal church organization. I saw the lives being touched. I saw the community. I saw the faith.

I have heard the arguments about how a greater body and greater numbers can produce greater conversions. I cant think of a more efficient way of doing it than the way the house church does it though. I defy the large church to multiply at the rate this church does. I defy them to do it with the financial stewardship of the house church. I saw from my experience how building programs, massive staffs, and huge spending accounts have helped the church grow, but I've also seen how cumbersome and divisive they can be.

What I liked about the house church is the lack of overhead. Everyone contributes, but the money they use is amazingly efficient. They contribute to missions, evangelism, and areas that will impact their communities at a much higher rate than any paid ministry could ever hope to accomplish.

They are like the independent contractors doing sales versus the corporate monsters that the church is trying to create. In that fact, they are really more capitalist because they have eliminated so much of the beurocracy and overhead and can use their profits for a much greater return. That as opposed to the current church's tendency to overspend with little or no return. A Million dollar budget for a 10% growth? that's absurd for a church of 500. Not good stewardship in the long run.

I had a great time yesterday. Went to Brian and Betsy Timmer's house for a Mexican dinner. I corrected them. It was a fiesta. I thought it was a compliment.

We ate dinner, played with his cool new Les Paul guitar, and watched Anchorman. That is one cool movie. It takes place in San Diego which is a german word whose translation is lost, but scholars believe to mean "a whale's vagina".

I got a new cell phone with a new phone number. Email me if you want the number.

Guess what else.

Go on, guess!

Wrong!

Try again.

Nope! still not it.

WEll this is just boring. You dont even have one more guess? Ok. Fair enough. But I dont think im ready to come right out and say it yet. Post a reply if you want to write a creative guess as to what I'm about to say.

OUchy

You are a Toenail.(Taken from Ebaumsworld.com)Okay, maybe you're not THAT gross. But yes. You are a toenail. You usually get in the way of peoples' lives and are annoying at times, but people hang out with you because you are amusing. You enjoy acting retarded in front of large crowds of people. Many may call you a dork and a loser, but the truth is that you are very intelligent, and this will be proven in the near future. You are dependent on your friends, but you are not willing to conform into society's stereotypical mold. You may be called a loser, but at least you aren't a nobody. Even the opposite sex finds your uniqueness attractive. You stand out, and that's what makes you special. Even if people leave you hanging.Most compatible with: Hoe.
Copy/Paste this in your blog!(Ctrl + A = select all, Ctrl + C = copy, Ctrl + V = paste)

You are a Toenail. (Taken from Ebaumsworld.com) Okay, maybe you're not THAT gross. But yes. You are a toenail. You usually get in the way of peoples' lives and are annoying at times, but people hang out with you because you are amusing. You enjoy acting retarded in front of large crowds of people. Many may call you a dork and a loser, but the truth is that you are very intelligent, and this will be proven in the near future. You are dependent on your friends, but you are not willing to conform into society's stereotypical mold. You may be called a loser, but at least you aren't a nobody. Even the opposite sex finds your uniqueness attractive. You stand out, and that's what makes you special. Even if people leave you hanging. Most compatible with: Hoe. Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?

other people are toenails.
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